2002-08-26
sunday, august 25 - it's been a mixed-shitty day, and i've been thinking entirely too much about other people. and i want to tie the dog next door to the bumper and forget about him when I drive home.

so this week i'm the sitter. i sit the house. and the office. do you ever find yourself speaking your thoughts out loud under the pretext that you're making conversation with whoever is listening to you? I must have "mentioned" it to alan more than a couple of times today. he and i were stuck in vancouver, bored out of our minds, and all i could think of was this coming week, having a downtown office all to myself to write. of course, as always, he had no idea what the fuck i was talking about. it didn't occure to me until last monday that sometimes he's not kidding when he tells me to shut the fuck up. it's only because too often around him, i think out loud.

The one thing that worries me is having said out loud that I'm going to take advantage of the office time - a whole week of it - to finish the two stories i'd started weeks ago. it's a bit like the old superstition about saying bad things too loud so God would here you and strike you with whatever it is you said. with certain things in my life the superstition goes the opposite direction. like when i talk about something I want to do, sometimes it doesn't happen. i know it's not fair to blame it on... whoever. it just follows back to that whole thing about defining my self image by how others react to me. i am still entirely too sensitive to those sort of things. especially around new friends.

and here i am putting it out into the general public. heh... no turning back now, i guess.

so, just to keep my arse in a writing mood, i'm going to make an entry every day this week. from the office. and maybe i'll have something to show for it.

doesn't it get rather tedious to read the diary of a would-be writer?

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