2002-01-17
i'm back.

and in trying to keep this whole thing positive, I won't go into where i've been. let's just say ansiety is a bitch. blah blah blah but thank god for the moments i can take a breath. it's easy to make a drowning metaphore here, which is exactly what it's like, but that wouldn't make for very interesting writing.

so thursday night i was lead from hermitude by a stranger in need.

we walked in together, this girl and i having known each other for less than an hour and i imediately caught Linda's eye. not, however, because of the girl.

"it's nice to see you out," she said. Linda and i had talked earlier in the week about how much i don't get out at night. i'm either in my apartment reading, writing, eating or sleeping; or i'm in meeting, editing suites, libraries or comp labs trying to be as "busy" as i can to compensate for such a desolate social life. When I saw Linda at the cafe/bar/club, her words felt very different. it felt like someone had actually missed me when i wasn't around.

it's been so f'n long since i was last in one place long enough to make lasting friends. Quebec City and Montreal are a couple of spikes that made lasting impressions my social life. I would say London was the last time I was stuck with the same gang of people long enough to maintain relationships after it was over - although the people I fooled around with, the guys i lived with, the brits i should have known better have all faded away. Gator is the only one i hear from and even then i use him as a back up buddy. (which is really lame, 'cuase he's actually a cool guy to hang out with.)

so here i am, a notable member of The Works, where we all invest so much time and energy, all of us together in some form or another. that party in december was the defining moment. there were certain bonds made, implicit in the way people interact with one another. we're part of a crew. and i wish i had words to describe the feeling of belonging somewhere, but this is new to me.

it was a good feeling to be out and about, to see so many familiar faces in a place i'd never been before. that is, i'd never seen this joint in all it's nocturnal rambunctiousness. and i'd never been seen anywhere with this girl before either. not to say she was my draw for attention (for all i know she may have a certain reputation from her weekly radio show). but it was the feeling of bringing my own sociality to a scene. i didn't come alone, and i didn't come with the same old people who have nothing better to do than explore clubs with me. and maybe i'm the only one who realized any of that, but I'm the only one who needed to.

I'm pretty sure her name was Jenny; she timidly approached me in the comp lab at a quarter after eleven thursday night looking for a ride into town. it's wierd, isn't it, that some moments need to be scrutinized and analyzed for how much trouble it's going to cost me. i should learn to analyz the cost-benefit ratio on a deeper level than my own bother. I looked up at her, and after my eyes had refocused and i understood what she was almost too shy to ask, and i just felt like giving her a ride home. the convincing thhought i had was if i ever needed a ride into town after the last bus had already left, i'd love it if someone would give me a lift too. besides, she looked like she'd never hurt a person's feelings before in her life.

it was her suggestion that there might be friends waiting for her at the Voyere. i know the place from a meeting with arnold while he an i were writing a short script together. the decor is everything i could ask for in human anatomy sculpture. it seems an odd choice of artistic expression in our isolated political climate of militant feminism and the earth mother notion of physical beauty. not that i hold anything against that; and not that i actually prefer the russ myer asthetic of natural juggs. although...you know...hey.

at night the voyere turns into amateur land. this underage kids crowd in because there aren't enough college dropouts on staff to check all the ID's - not to mention serve at the bar, which only serves beer and wine anyway. good thing I wasn't in a particulary liquorly mood. Jenny said that they've been known to mix different wines for experimentation. I don't know whether that's a practice of the most elite aficionados of the world, or whether the people are the voyer are just permi-fried idiots. iordered a yummy pale ale and left no tip. i'm poor enough and if you want a tip from me you're not going to get it my virtue of holding a shitty job. you have to work that shitty job for my benefit. not much. just enough.

i folowled jenny through the bar and into the back of the place where

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