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suffering guilt
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Rob Zombie's
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Tuesday, May. 20, 2003
A second ago I had a hundred things to say. and after searching for my laptop, finding a comfortable place in the house to write (you see, I have to find a different room and/or table each time to suit my mood) sitting down with my bowl of cereal at fucking 1:30 in the afternoon, I can't remember a damn thing I thought I was going to write about. Luckily, it's only taken my 90 seconds to get this far. Pow! Zing!

Amy and I smoked out a little last week, and I'm afraid that I'm feeling the fallout from it now. I feel very lethargic. I don't quite care about how unproductive - make that NONproductive my life is right now. I thought I would start an exercise of writing and posting something everyday, no matter how uncharacteristically trivial, unpolished and inconsequential. I spent all day yesterday in fucking bed. And when I did get up, the only energy I could muster was enough to play fucking video games all day. Christ!! I'm 27 years old and I act like a dipshit teenager. Thank gawd for coffee. Ass. But I need some sort of drug to pick me up off my stomach and put me on my feet.

The pot thing really has me worried. Amy loves to smoke pot, but fortunately can't afford to have it around often enough to get her life really fucked up. I can't say with any qualified certainty that her life is stalled because of her smoking pot, but she and I are enough alike in so many other ways, I think I can't safely make that assumption right now.

Shyness can be mistaken for arrogance. An ability to recite facts and figures can be mistaken for intelligence. And stubborn defiance can be mistaken for willfulness. I can't say that I yet fully understand her mental processing, but I don't know how to convince her that smoking pot does not bring you to higher levels of enlightenment. Well, that's not entirely true. I guess I can argue either way. While Amy and I were sitting on her couch watching TV after a couple of heavy fat tokes on her exhaust-pipe of a bong, I noticed that television personalities have to be eccentric to the point of unbearably egocentric because that's the kind of energy it takes to make television worth watching. Ever see an amateur on TV who thinks he's got charisma? Think of those cheap-and-dirty used car commercials. Yeah. Seeing clueless people on television gives me diarrhea. At least Greg and Sean are excitable enough to be interesting, though not necessarily entertaining.

While I was very well stoned on Amy's couch, John Stewart seemed like he would be the most annoying person in the entire galaxy if he were like that during small social gatherings. Then I thought of course he has to be like that on his show, because anything less would be painfully dull. Stewart is very good at what he does, and he's quite clever to boot. Yet if he, or any other celebrity were to take that behavior into real life after the camera stopped rolling...I'm not saying I'd want to hang out with them, but I'd understand. Why are celebrities so annoyingly obnoxious? Because their audience wants them to be.

Oh, yeah, and uh, by the way... television programming exists for the sole purpose of selling advertising. Please don't waste your time, with me or anyone else making an argument to the contrary. Not that I wouldn't like to hear it, but you've got to have better things to do with your life.

Holy shit! Could this entry be any more stoner? I'm not. But I feel like I'm writing like I am. I've noticed that pattern. When I was smoking a lot last year, and at school, my writing would be so unorganized and sporadic. When the residual junk finally left my system, I think I became much more focused and thoughtful. Depression is bad enough when it happens. Encouraging it with pot is just stupid.

Hmm. Well, I think I'm done.



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