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Rob Zombie's
Forward and upward

Friday, Jun. 27, 2003
I've been loath to aknowledge that there's an actual audience which reads this diary, despite the frequency with which I check my "stats". I've written from the frame of mind that these pages are for my children, or grandchildren, or to be read as part of a eulogy whenever appropriate.

Sometimes I wonder if my beloved girlfriend has taken my numerous vailed hints and snuck peeks at my diary. I kind of hope she has. Even though I've sent her several entries to read on the bus ride home, hoping they would spark enough interest that she might take the an anonymous glance, I think she has too much respect for my privacy. Which seems rather peculiar to me.

If you were thinking you might spend the rest of your life with one person, wouldn't you go about a little private investigating of this person before you committed to that notion? Maybe not.

For some reason - for the first time in my life, actually - I feel pretty darned comfortable with the prospect of spending the rest of my life with Amy. Not that I've actually spent great amounts of time pondering the potential reality of spending the rest of my life with any particular individual. And not that I'm ready to start tomorrow, but I am enthusiastically heading in that general direction. For some reason - well, for many reasons - I feel completely comfortable with letting go of my inhibitions about commitment to that one person - Amy - and letting the years unfold as they may.

I let too much shit go by unaccounted for. So I'm conducting an experiment: a test of my will to write and post daily for the next 5 days. That's what the "other" diary was supposed to be but I've decided I ought to try and write something good.

Be warned: the next five days could get messy.

Okay...not the tangent I meant to go off on...

Anyway...I forgot the tangent I was intending to run off with...so I'm going to finish "chatting" with Amy.

Amy says:
���Hey drunk boys... ���Ya poopin'?

Danimal says:
���still there? ���woah...

Amy says:
���Heh, you are there. �I figured you'd be far away from the computer. ���I'm here.

Danimal says:
���I was just logging out...

Amy says:
���Really?

Danimal says:
���you and me are fucking wierd that way...

Amy says:
���Well, I caught you just in time then.

Danimal says:
���but I kinda like it...

Amy says:
���I guess so.

Danimal says:
���I'm writing in a tipsy ... uh, frame-of-consciousness...[Alex and I are] trying to grill salmon. Didn't work. Alex isn't much of a preparation kind of guy, so the salmon is on the broiler now. I don't know if he's ever read a recipe book, other than "for dummies". I was sure is was supposed to be wrapped in foil, or in a rotisserie basket or something. straight grillin' just ain't for the fish. And all the tastey spices and whatnot should have been in with it. I asked him four - count 'em: 4times - whether he wanted to wrap it in foil, but I guess he didn't read that part on the back of the brickette bag...so, no foil. ���I don't know. If we had guests, I don't think it would be okay. But since it's just the two of us, it will be edile, no matter what. Quality of cooking will be another matter.

Amy says:
���You must be tipsy....slow typer.

Danimal says:
���I'm being all ... well, introspective...

Amy says:
���Don't let me interrupt your evening. I just saw you on and thought I'd say hi.

Danimal says:
���I love you, Amy. ���I'm okay with your inturrupting me (almost) any time. ���Unless I have clients, or am on deadline.

Amy says:
���I love you, Daniel.

Danimal says:
���Since our talk in the cafe, I kinda feel easier with the long days inbetween hanging out.

Amy says:
���What about the talk?

Danimal says:
���I don't really have any practicle knowledge of what "the rest of my life" means, but for some reason, you make me feel very okay with that sentiment.

Amy says:
���The rest of my life. When I think of the rest of my life I think of all the minutes, days, weeks....years. All the potential changes. The happiness. The discovery. The tears and sorrow. The wrinkles. The unknown. The challenges.

Danimal says:
���yikes.

Amy says:
���Yikes to what?

Danimal says:
���well, all that. but as long as you're in the room when all that happens, I feel pretty good about it. ;)

Amy says:
���That's only the tip of the ol' iceburg, so to speak... ���The list goes on. I forgot to mention: all the ice cream.

Danimal says:
���yeah...I was pondering on my bike last night that it's easy to think about the vagueries that I've heard of, but when I think about all my lacking experience with whatever lies ahead (not knowing what lies ahead being one of those lacks), I get a little anxious.

Amy says:
���But that's the adventure of life!!!!!

Danimal says:
���I know. And I'm all about adventure. Especially with you. I hope you understand that you'll have to excercise great patience. As much with me as with any situation.

Amy says:
���We both have lacking experience. Tons of it, in fact. We barely know anything. BUT...���

Danimal says:
���But...���BUT...?!

Amy says:
���...based on what I know about each of us, and what I know about us together...I think we can become experienced together. We're good together. We can handle it. We can handle the mistakes, too. Mistakes are fun, if you choose to look at them that way.

Danimal says:
���I don't know...I just wonder whether I'll be there when I'm really needed....You know, do my job and all.

Amy says:
���Being there is important. ���For both of us....in a partnership.

Danimal says:
���...yeah...

Amy says:
���I can't really think of what your "job" is, however. ���I don't think I ask for much out of a person - now or in the future. Though who knows...I don't know what the future holds. ���Maybe I should say that I don't think I ask for or expect MANY things. To say I don't ask for "much" isn't really what I meant. The things I want are big things in the grand scheme of life.

Danimal says:
���I don't know...it's just that when I start thinking about this kind of stuff for the first time, the question "what am I supposed to do" comes to mind. I sometimes worry that I don't know enough, I'm not mature enough, won't ever make enough money...ugh...lotta things. But I guess I started dating the right girl to start thinking about these things, cuz you actually inspire me to take on all of���these worries and take care of them.

Amy says:
���Don't know enough...not mature enough...won't ever make enough money... ���Do you have any idea how much I LOVE YOU? ���And do you have any idea how much things like "making money" don't matter to me? ���Enough money for WHAT? Food? Shelter? An occasional movie?

Danimal says:
���yeah, I do. I really do, but I'm thinking about reaching for our goals together and achieving some kind of life that we can both keep reaching for what we really want to accomplish in life. ���maybe that whole apartment conversation has got my my mind going double-time ���maybe I'm just projecting my own life's expectations onto both of us

Amy says:
���I'm glad you are thinking about things like that. I've often wondered just what it is you think about. You really don't share with me what goes on in that head of yours. ��

Danimal says:
���I do......but you have to know the difference between my babbling and my talking about myself. ���I guess it's not really fair of me to expect you to realize the difference.

Amy says:
���Our relationship will evolve naturally. Yes, we do need to think about "goals" and dreams and what we want out of life - both individually and together. But I think putting pressure on the relationship to arrive at some place at some particular time is not in our best interest right now. ���I think I do realize the difference. I think you don't often share with me the things you think about.

Danimal says:
���actually, sometimes I do. but you don't know me well enough to know the difference between my talking about myself and my talking to participate in the conversation.

Amy says:
���Okay. You must be right. For some reason I feel very much in the dark about what you've been thinking about these past couple months. In the dark about what you want for YOU in the near future. Even the not so near future. I don't know if you are happy with yourself right now. You have had a lot of time that is not occupied by stupid shit like a stupid job....so you can think about life all�day long. I don't know what you think about.

Danimal says:
���well...

Amy says:
���You know, we can talk about all this another time. I know you are hanging out with Alex.

Danimal says:
���he's watching Futurama...I'm on the computer...

Amy says:
���You guys probaby need to go out and get burgers or something.

Danimal says:
���what's with all this "you guys"...? do you want to go, or something...? We've known each other long enough that we don't have to pay attention to each other when we're hanging out.

Amy says:
���What is your point when you say we don't have to pay attention to each other....���I know what you mean...I'm just wondering where you are going with that statement.

Danimal says:
���I meant Alex and I...doods don't have to pander to each other's attention. We're sharing the grilling experience of the salmon. After that...he's over there and I'm over here.

Amy says:
���Oh, got it. Okay, I guess I'm just sensitive to not wanting to barge in on the "dood" time.

Danimal says:
���It's kind of like a roommate thing. Only I don't pay rent. ���speaking of...I have money for you.���

Amy says:
���What money???

Danimal says:
���money for the chai, and the groceries, and the food I eat out of your 'fridge, and stuff. Course, I only have about $10, but I can gladly spend some of that on you. ���or just give it to you.

Amy says:
���Oh my god. Please. I absolutely DO NOT want you to give me any money. ���The food in my fridge is for you to eat when you are here.

Danimal says:
���Okay, then I'll spend it when we go out to dinner some time.

Amy says:
���The chai is not something I want you to pay me back for. The only reason I asked for the money the other night is because I had nothing and was supposed to go to lunch yesterday - which is why I borrowed it from my mom in the first place.

Danimal says:
���I know...that's what I'm thinking about....

Amy says:
���I buy groceries for the fridge and you put gas in the car. Sometimes you buy groceries and sometimes I buy gas. There is no ledger. We don't owe each other money.

Danimal says:
���I know how the money works...sometimes it just makes me more comfortable with the situation if we say it out loud. I'm a bit self-conscious that I'm not drawing much income right now.���yeah...I was thinking about that...well, lots of in-home movies, then.

Amy says:
���I'd rather spend it on a nice dinner with you Friday night.

Danimal says:
���all right. understood. but as soon as this week is over, I'm SO down on you!

Amy says:
���Huh?���SO down on me?

Danimal says:
���yup.

Amy says:
���Physically?

Danimal says:
���yup. ���as in 'so, going down on you.' ���not that I need any special occasion to do so, but it's a little more festive if we declare an occasion. know what I mean?

Amy says:
���Anyway...okay, so you're SO going down on me. ���I'm already looking forward to it.

Danimal says:
���geezuz...don't get excited or nuthin...

Amy says:
���I'm serious! I'd like a foot rub, too. This weekend. You think you could swing that?

Danimal says:
���...okay...well,��you know that guy thing I was telling about earlier...?

Amy says:
���What guy thing?

Danimal says:
���I think I need to pay attention to him now.���His TV show is over.

Amy says:
���Of course you do.���Okay. ���Go pay attention to Alex. I'm going to make some dinner 'cause I'm starving. And hey���...we can do this. We will grow and learn together. We'll make mistakes and laugh at them later. We will be there for each other. If I didn't think this was true, I would not still be here. Believe me. I love you so much. ���And we're not in a hurry. ���Don't put pressure on yourself. ���It's summer and we should be having fun.

Danimal says:
���I like you. I love you. I'm in love with you. I love it every time you take your clothes off in front of me. And I want to be the man I want to be with you.

Amy says:
���You are exactly the man I want to be with. ���The ONLY man.

Danimal says:
���how does "[mylastname]-[yourlastname]" sound to you? ���I wasn't sure if I was going to hit the button... ���but there it is. it's been on my mind

Amy says:
���"[mylastname]-[yourlastname]".

Danimal says:
���I think I can build a company with that name.... ���and it sounds cool...

Amy says:
���It has a good ring to it.

Danimal says:
���yeah... ���that's what I thought

Amy says:
���"[mylastname]-[yourlastname]" ���Yeah, it's a keeper.

Danimal says:
���...yeah...okay... ���we're going to run off and be man-boys... ���I love you, Amy!

Amy says:
���Good night.

Danimal says:
���goodness... ���it has been... ���it's been a good night.

Amy says:
���You know what else it's been? ���Exactly three months since our first real date. ���So it's an anniversary of sorts. I'm glad you see it as having been a good night.

Danimal says:
���I'm so glad you keep track. don't you mean three years...I've lost track with you. doesn't matter. It's all good.���Love you. to the bottom of my heart. ���I'm going out to the porch now. ���talk to you tomorrow.

Amy says:
���Good night, Mr. Dan. ���I'm in love with you.

Danimal says:
���yeah. you me too.

Amy says:
���yeah. you me too.���Whatever you say.

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