The Job has suddenly picked up slightly since the new girl showed up. I haven't had much confidence in myself when it comes to intellectual girls. It is a little intimidating, though not in the sense that I'm supposed to be at least as smart as, or smarter than the woman. It's more of an issue of whether I can be as interesting to them if I'm not particularly well-read. Young activist-type brains tend to make everything a political statement and, it seems, expect their closest friends to be like-minded. I used to think this was a 20-something girl thang. I thought most people would grow out of it they way you'd expect most people to grow up after high school. Notsomuch. Like those nasty little clique games in school, that elitest, self-righteous posturing goes on and on.
But I digress into a hastily thought-of excuse for my reluctance to try. I'm nervous, but that "self-righteous" bit is not the case in this story. There are two very interesting people in my life, one who has turned up once again, the other who appeared for the first time. I was telling jane about the new girl. She's intelligent and thoughtful, courteous and receptive to courtesy, the ideal anyone should expect in others. But the thing that got me thinking is that she's nothing like what some of my usual interests seem to be. She's really rather thin. Well, actually she's pretty skinny. Yeah. Well. I think I can be willing to work around this.
I realize, now that I've read it back to myself, how shallow that sounds. But I meant it differently. The same way electricity chooses the path of least resistance, I tend to follow an easy (short-term) path to satisfaction in companionship, that being a healthy round butt with a little extra padding in the thighs. I've never really spent the time and energy on those really attractive people who weren't a "vision". Now that I'm starting to feel like I've been-there-done-that, I'm really getting bored with my infamous tendencies toward beauty and sexuality. Watching someone walk by is now more impulsive appreciation than lustful interest. I do appreciate people who fill out to a healthy plumpness, but I have to compare that to the conversation I think I'm going to get out of them....
I tried to explain to jane that i'd been so hesitant to try dating because I'm sick of all the dramatic aftermath when things don't work out because there was nothing to base all the excitement on in the first place. No meaningful conversation. No foundation.
And because I need smart people - no, i mean really smart people like jane and arnold, Ange'n'Ben especially, and Sean - I need them to spar with when I need my priorities and values checked. Alex isn't very shy about telling me what he really thinks, which is good for me. Why settle for anyone who has less to offer than these people just because she has wide hips, thick thighs and a greaaaat big ass?
Let's see. Alley. Maggie. Lisa. Karyn. Stacy. Right. Who are they, again? I don't waste my time with people who aren't exceptionally cool in their own way. That's why it's a bitter pill that I can't stand to be around any of them, because I would love to, except for all the jaded residuals.
Suddenly, I don't mind thin chicks as much as I used to. I have a hunch about the longer you get to know someone, the more attractive they seem. It's not a new thing to me; just a debatable notion of which is the more satisfying dynamic to a relationship: the physical stimulation, the emotional nurturing or the mental stimulation and growth?
I was caught somewhere in between when it dawned on me that the people I've been with never satisfied my intellectual interests (except maybe Karyn, but that whole early-20-something arrogance cancles her out). On the other hand, I've never known a brainy girl to not like sex.
On the second day of working with... Alundra... heh, okay. On the second day of working with Alundra, which was Sunday, I began running through a little mental dialogue that I always run through when something new comes up. It's sort of like my own Who's On First? How would I handle it if she knew that I find her attractive and i'm attracted to her? Run that dialogue, let's see how it sounds. Okay. Not bad. Try the other one. Or could I tell her that I find her very interesting and I'm very interested? How's that? Sounds okay?
...uummmm, yeah. But I'll wait until she asks me what I think before I go telling her anything like that. It just seems to me that kind of dialogue ought to be inspired, not summoned. Besides, you know the rules of my attractions. If I like her, it means she's gay. And I could see that in her, easily. I suddenly thought of Elyssa and how perfect these two might be together.
And that's where I left it. I'd made a decision to be tenacious if she were receptive. Otherwise, we'll be friends and hang out and do nothing about it. We dropped our day's work at the office, then I walked out the door with Derrick. Maybe a polite á revior would have been courteous. I'm not sure she noticed.
So, I'm telling all this to Jane, about feeling more interested in someone I'm not necessarily physically attracted to. I was about to try with Robyn, believe it or not. (Kristi will like that one.) I was never particularly attracted to her physically except for that cute smile that lights up her whole pretty face. Somehow I picked up the sweet smell of tough vulnerability. But, if you've read this one, then you know how that turned out. Quite disappointing. Makes me wish I could have forgiven Sarah for her character imperfections and given her all the attention.
But that's neither here nor there. A lesson learned. Something I'll carry in my pocket. Let's move on.
There's more to this epiphany. I have to admit that I suspect my suprising interest in Alundra may be slightly misguided becase she reminds me of someone else. I thought of this first when the same thing almost happened a couple of weeks ago working at Saturday Market when I met Elise. Nearly identical in "type" of woman as Alundra: short, short brown hair, thin build, no hips but nice butt and especially brainy. Elise went to Reed. Geez. Elise dropped the B-word (boyfriend) about 35 minutes into the conversation, so I left it at that and thought nothing more of it. I'd forgotten, until I spent a day with Alundra, that some time ago I decided that the "short-short-brown-hair-thin-build-no-hips-nice butt-especially-brainy"-type girl could be my type also. And I think it was Emily's New Year's party that got me thinking that. Jane asked, do you think Emily is attractive? I don't think there was even a pause on the line before I said Ohfuckyeah.
So I'm out having a pint at the Eagle with Alex and I brought MaryJane with me. The two of us, I think, put him off a bit. He'd never seen us together before last night. So I'm telling him about this whole thing. After I talked to Jane the other night, I immediately called Emily at her parent's house. I told Alex about the New Year's party. Emily and I had worked together preparing food in the kitchen. And that kind of situation always gets to me. How well I interact with someone while preparing food in the kitchen is something I've always been very sensitive to. I was suprised that Emily and I would work so easily. We didn't interact much during the party because I was chatting along well enough with her friends. As things started to wind down folks began to head out the door. I noticed two other dudes try to steal a kiss from her on the way out. She was noticably uninterested. She just wasn't havin' it. I was thinking about that as I was coming down on the front porch couch. Emily eventually sat down next to me and interlaced our arms while we talked. I liked that.
The next morning I was hung so far over I could barely walk. It must have been seven or eight in the morning when the sunlight shot through the window. I woke up on the living room couch nestled in sheets and blankets. I pulled them up about my chin, remembering Emily had tucked me in the night before. I tired to remember whether I got a goodnight kiss. I'm pretty sure I didn't. It didn't matter. I was twitterpated anyway. I was sure nothing had happened and convinced myself nothing would happen. I got up. Put my shoes on and left before I was volunteered for house cleanup. Lately I've been wondering if that mutual comfortability between Emily and I has withered over the two years since I'd seen her.
Still waiting for my beer to arrive, I told Alex that Alundra is worth checking out, but she'd already reminded me of Emily. Having an interest in someone at work is never a good idea, but I'm in the mood, I'm read for new and interesting people. I called Emily.
This would make a good ending, right here. Except there's a bit more to it. Emily and I talked for a while before I tried to get her to go out with me. Nothing special, I was going out anyway and wondered if she'd have a beer with me. She was in the middle of sorting out all her things after having just returned from one of her adventures. She was admittedly feeling "non-commital".
I kinda felt like that answered the big question, to pursue, or not to pursue. then she added that I shold try again later....
We decided later is Thursday night.
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