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Rob Zombie's
ah, geez...

2002-09-05
yeah...so, I'm not sure what kind of a mood I was in when I wrote that last one. I think I thought I had something pithy ready to go. But I got so mad in the middle of it I just quit. That's probably a good thing, because I was about to go into the whole bit about marrying too young for the wrong reasons; a pile of bullshit which I, of all people, have no perspective commentary. Speculation may be that I'm jelleous. That's most assuredly not the case. I'm just disappointed that, in my perception, she'd given up on her individuality and freedom. Never able to live without the security of the elusive father figure, I see it as chasing something I've had to live without my whole life.

It's so frustrating and alienating that people my age who decide to get married do it for the wrong reasons. I have few examples of when it actually works, which, now that I think about it, are fewer than the postitive examples. I guess my feelings rise from the assumption that their reasons are not good enough reasons for me to do that. And I usually assume I know better for myself than the rest of the world, I just forget from time to time that the rest of the world insn't on the same page. So there. (Typical of the ego who feels underappreciated but is also too shy to speak up. Funny that, eh?)

Oh, sure, I'm looking forward to it someday. I expect it'll be quiet little procession. My extended family has mostly forgotten about me; the next-oldest cousin just got married this year and everyone is already overlooking me to the great-grandchildren as the next in line. Then again, it's not like I'm displaying the certain image of a person remotely interested. But it would be nice if the aunts and uncles would show a little interest in my life and bug me about it like they do Ange'n'Ben about having kids.

Actually, Christine, my cousin who was widowed in '93 (oddly enough the same day Heidi, Stacy and I nearly went over a ridge in an ice storm) was bugging me about it the last time we all got together. I was going to write something about that day, but I couldn't quite come up with the right frame of words for it.

There's a definite point at which we cease to be the little kid and are accepted as one of the adults. I've always been the youngest grandchild, my oldlest cousin being the same age as my mom. I think I was granted recognition by having a drink with my cousins and showing that I could handle the conversation like a grown-up. Yeah, but I'm still putting that day together. It's very cool to finally fit in with the people who never seemed to know what to do with me.

Anyway, I think I was going to say something about Heidi's getting married. That is, I was going to say something I shouldn't. Jennifer drilled into my mind Monday night that people don't do things for the same reasons I think things ought to be done. I'm sure the Vanilla Banger is the first person who told Heidi he loved her. (I have it in my head that she was waiting, or hoping for me to say that, which is why this is on my mind, but ten years later that's niether here nor there.) And consequently, she married him. Oye! We've seen this before. The way Sean told the story, she didn't seem very happy. That was his assessment. Why would anyone in their right mind do it for anything less than happiness? Not security. Not fantasy. Not for lack of options. That's not what it's for.

When I was alone in the car driving between Denver and Castle Rock I used to get so mad at Andy for getting married at 23 to a girl he'd known for six months. As I saw it, he had his whole career ahead of him. I guess he saw it as having his whole life ahead of him. It's hard to admit, mostly because he wouldn't give a shit if I did, but he and I don't talk anymore because I was wrong. I lost a lot of respect for him during my months in Colorado. I thought he and I had the same vision for what we wanted to do with our lives. I saw his sudden family life � a new kid every 18 months, Sundays on the couch in front of football, going through the motions in a job he loathes � as killing any chance he had to become a great producer in the television business. But nobody asked me, and maybe that's another reason I was so mad at him.

I can't say that Heidi got married for this or that reason. I don't know her. I never really did. The only person I really know is me, and that seems like such a huge job that the thought of taking another person into my life the same way sounds... well, thrilling. Exciting. Wonderful. But a whole boatload of work that I'm not ready for. I'm not even interested right now. I keep getting that little whisper in my ear that I don't have to have all my little duckies all in a row before I make big decisions. But some things do need a foundation.

People get married. So what? Well, not so what to them. I mean so why should I get my britches in a twist about it? People make bad movies, too. Why get all upset about it?

Monday night Jennifer and I took a long and much needed walk from Dary's house to the Quicky Mart up the street. I think Alan had just gotten through pissing in my face about a thing I'd asked him to work on. He's had nothing but excuses instead of just saying no. I flipped him some shit about it in front of everybody and really pissed him off. For some reason I felt like we'd broken up. Jennifer took me outside and we talked about those reasons that people do things we want to do, which seem, to us, totally absurd.

More on this tomorrow. I'm fucking tired.

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