2002-02-26
tuesday, february 26 - A funny thing happened in the screening room today as we all crowded in and settled down. Kristie and I were talking about our respective placements in sibling hierarchy. I told her I was the baby. And Sarah chimed in, asked if I had many older sisters. Two, sort of. But mostly just Angela. She said she could tell.

I haven't said much about Sarah. I guess since she and I almost never interact, I don't think about her very much. Actually I try not to. There's no residual tension from those projects she and I both worked on. But then there's not much else for us to talk about together, either. So we just don't. Except today.

After everyone else had left the room, I asked her what she meant by what she said. She said that there was just something about me, the way I act around girls and women. She said she'd noticed that I don't act like a boy around girls. (?!)

I was trying to be more concerned about rewinding my film reel than paying attention to her answer. Asshole. I hate when I do that.

I couldn't even look at her because I'm afraid of anticipating more from her than what's she's actually saying. I'm afraid of imagining what she's thinking about me because it might not be true. Still, it's nice to be in someone's thoughts when I'm not around. I guess it's especially nice to be in her thoughts.

take my shirt off

I can't remember the last time I spoke to my dad, so I have no idea how much money is left. One the one hand, I don't want to hear one of his lectures, on the other hand I don't want to hear that it's all gone. Last week I told Isaac and Arnold, in separate conversations, that this is my situation, that I might not come back next term. I'm trying not to be upset about it, because I feel like most of it is my fault, even if better things happened for me this way.

The other day, Arnold pulled me aside to say that he and Isaac were worried about me.

Are you alright?

I don't feel like I'm allowed not to be. I love that Arnold's in my life, and I feel like he and I can be friends for a long time. But I don't feel like I can quite be who I am when I'm alone. I feel like my problems may seem somewhat superficial, but the deep-seededness of where they come from is more than anyone around me is capable of listening to. Or maybe I just have trouble explaining things.

This is going to be a real problem when I go in to talk to Sandy about it. I guess I should just be honest, whether I think she's going to want to hear it or not.

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